Reviewed by Zoë Sanders
Does your brother or sister take on the lion’s share of supporting and caring for your parent? Are you fully-aware of what is involved and how it impacts their life?
Caring for an elderly parent can be emotionally, physically and financially draining. If you aren’t witnessing the daily, repetitive tasks, it can be easy to underestimate the extent of the job and how much headspace it requires – particularly if your parent has dementia or complex care needs. You might think that if your sibling is not asking for help, they don’t need it. This is almost never true!
In addition to daily care, there is often time spent toing-and-froing around appointments and dealing with bureaucracy. Your sibling may also have to cope with challenging behaviour from your parent. All this leaves them with little time for self-care. Carer burnout is a real risk and can result in them becoming ill and unable to continue with their responsibilities.
Your sibling may enjoy parts of their role as a carer. They may even have ‘chosen’ to care as an act of duty or love (instead of placing your parent in paid care). However, your sibling is still providing valuable support on behalf of the whole family. If they feel unrecognised, under-valued and abandoned, your relationship with them could easily break down.
Even if your life is busy or you live far away, there are things you can do to show your support and gratitude. This will help to keep your sibling’s spirits up and prevent resentment brewing.
Here are seven meaningful ways to be supportive and show you care:
1. Consider how much your sibling is sacrificing
Really think about what your sibling has given up to care for your parent. Ask yourself:
- Have they had to cut back on work, switch careers or quit their job entirely? As a consequence, might it be difficult for them to return to the workplace after their caring role is over?
- Does caring reduce the time they can spend with their own family and friends, or investing in new friendships or romantic relationships?
- Are they still able to pursue their personal development and the hobbies they enjoy?
- Does it impact their sleep or physical and psychological health?
2. Learn about your parent’s condition and care needs
Start by taking an interest in your parent’s condition and the care they need. Research online, speak to healthcare providers and join or contact charitable associations related to your parent’s condition. Develop an understanding of how their needs might change over time, so you can share any concerns your sibling has that their role may become increasingly demanding. This will equip you to provide informed support and assistance, and show your sibling that you are invested.
3. Check in regularly
Have regular check-ins. Don’t just message or email, but call or at least leave voice notes. Try to check in at least once a week. Be mindful to not just call to say hi or update them on your life. Try to actively listen instead. Don’t just ask how your parent is doing, show interest in what is going on for your sibling to indicate you care about them too. Ask if there is anything you can do to help. Don’t wait for them to ask you!
4. Send little gifts
Don’t assume your sibling knows how grateful you are for everything they do. Take the time to send a thank you card or mood-boosting gift, such as flowers, chocolates or a scented candle to show you are thinking of them.
5. Support their self-care
Keep an eye on your sibling’s self-care to help them avoid burnout, which can put them and your parent at risk. Ways to support their self-care could include organising for them to have a therapeutic treatment (such as a massage or facial) or a home visit from a personal trainer to help them stay fit.
6. Helping from afar
Supporting and caring for elderly parents is a shared responsibility, but it can be hard to think of practical ways to help if you have lots of other responsibilities or live far away. Nevertheless, there are tasks you can take on from afar to share the load. Ask your sibling:
- Is there anything in our parent’s home that needs fixing/updating? Can I organise for that to be done?
- Are there any forms or applications I can take off your hands?
- Shall I do some of the research into care support, equipment or activities?
- Would it help if I organised a meal delivery service?
- Shall I take charge of getting a personal alarm or other safety measure?
- Can I make a financial contribution to lighten the load?
Remember, your sibling will feel supported and not resentful if they feel that you are engaged with their mental load, sharing the responsibility and making sacrifices too.
7. Support your sibling to take breaks
It is essential your sibling takes breaks. Offer to take your parent on a day out, on holiday or invite them to stay. Make sure your offer is practical and accompanied by a thought-through plan. This way your sibling won’t have to take on additional work and will feel comforted you understand the complexities of your parent’s needs.
If possible, you could offer respite at a specific time on a regular basis. If your sibling knows they get a night off a week or weekend a month, they can make plans and will feel you acknowledge they have a life outside of their caring role.
Taking time off might be hard for your sibling. They are the most tuned-in to your parent’s needs, so it is natural if they feel no one else can provide the same standard of care. Reassure them you will follow their care advice, so they worry less about your parent’s well-being in their absence. Otherwise, it won’t be much of a break!
In summary
Taking care of an ageing parent should be a team effort, but often one sibling ends up doing most of the work. If your sibling doesn’t feel appreciated and supported by you, they can quickly feel hurt and resentful, which places a strain on your relationship. It also takes its toll on your sibling and parent’s health and well-being. This can lead to an unsustainable situation where you might be called upon to assist with more responsibilities.
Remember, supporting your sibling to support your parent is supporting your lifestyle too – you are all in it together!
Common questions
- Which sibling should take care of parents?
There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to which sibling should take care of ageing parents. Ideally, the responsibility should be shared, with everyone’s contribution adjusted according to their circumstances, strengths and availability. Your parent’s needs are likely to change, so have regular reviews to ensure you are continuing to work together in the best possible way.
- Why don’t my siblings help me care for my elderly parents?
Maybe your siblings live too far away, have demanding jobs or family relationships are strained. Some siblings may be emotionally ill-equipped for caregiving tasks. They may not realise how hard caring for elder parents is or that the care-giver needs help. Try to communicate clearly and consistently with your siblings about your needs and the reality of caregiving. This can help to encourage more active involvement from them.
- What if my siblings won’t help with elderly parents?
It can be distressing when brothers and sisters won’t help with elderly parents. Here’s some things to try:
- Make lists of precisely what your caring role involves, what you are sacrificing and the things your siblings can do to help. Be specific.
- Use these lists as the basis for an open and honest conversation, letter or email.
- Choose a form of communication that is most likely to achieve the outcome you want.
- Try to express your needs clearly and avoid being accusatory.
- Write down the reasons why you think your siblings aren’t helping and how they may justify this to themselves. This way you will be prepared for how they are likely to respond.
- If they still refuse to help (or agree and don’t follow through), consider seeking help from another family member or friend, or mediation from a neutral third party.
- Whatever the outcome, keep your siblings up to date with what is going on for you and your parent. This will indicate you consider caring for your parent is a team effort.
What is the recommended amount for paying a family member who is caring for my elderly parent at home?
How a family member should be paid to care for your elderly parent depends a combination of factors, including the level of care required, local cost of living and your family’s financial situation. Generally, the payment should reflect the fair market rate for similar caregiving services in your area. In the UK, this can range from £18 to £30 per hour (depending on the region and the complexity of the care provided. )If you do pay a family member for care, it’s a good idea to formalise it with a written agreement outlining their duties, hours and compensation. This ensures clarity and avoids any future misunderstandings.
- How can I best provide care for my parent from a distance?
There are lots of ways to provide care for a parent and support for your family from a distance. The first and simplest is regular communication with daily phone calls, videos or messages to check-in on their wellbeing. Whenever you can, visit and spend time with them as often as possible to assess their care needs. Make sure you get to know their neighbours, friends and local caregivers, so you know who to contact in an emergency. Take the opportunity during visits to set up technology that can help you stay connected and keep your parent safe from afar.
