When we talk about love, we often think of romance first. The hearts and flowers of first connection, the comfort and familiarity of a long-term partner. Only then do we think of the steadier sorts of love we share with friends or siblings, or between a parent and a child.
Sadly, it’s often last and least that we acknowledge the quiet, sometimes complicated love of an adult child for their ageing parent. This love, which shows itself in endless form-filling and administration, and sometimes in digging deep for patience on the most trying days, is a kind of love that Shakespeare never wrote a sonnet about.
But it is love that keeps most of us showing up day after day. Even, or perhaps especially, when we’re worn impossibly thin.
Whether you’ve just started to take on parental care responsibilities or have been looking out for a loved one for a while, it’s normal to sometimes feel like you’re driven more by obligation than a deep connection with your family member.
However, I’ve found that acknowledging and appreciating the love you share with your parents can help make a difficult journey lighter and more enjoyable.
Acknowledge love
When you’re feeling worn down by the length of your to-do list, it’s easy to forget why you’re doing it – and even who you’re doing it for.
Take the time to acknowledge – even just to yourself – that this is a person who you love and who loves you. Notice the unique things about your parent that make you smile, whether that’s their lifelong passion for Scrabble, a song they always sing or – in my case – their peculiar obsession with the ripeness of bananas.
Where possible, make space for time together that’s focused on treasuring that relationship and not solely dictated by their care needs. Consider what you liked to do together when you were a child. Did you play board games? Take walks to the park to feed the ducks? Admire the art at the National Gallery?
Something as simple as throwing bread for the ducks together can help us reset the way we feel about our caring responsibilities. Or, particularly where dementia is concerned, lots of people find creating memory boxes and discussing old photographs together can help recapture cherished memories.
Accept the tough bits of love
Many parents of school-age children will tell you: even if you always love your child, there are moments when you don’t like them all that much. The toddler who pinches their newborn sibling. The teenager who seems to thrive on conflict and drama. The young adult who only remembers to call when they need something. But those moments of irritation don’t mean you don’t love your child – only that you’re experiencing a normal reaction to someone’s faults or frustrating behaviour.
The same is true of our parents. They may annoy us. They can frustrate us in ways we never thought possible. That doesn’t mean we don’t love them. If anything, it’s proof that we do! What is love but continuing to show up when someone is driving us up the wall?
Accept that love doesn’t mean never feeling exasperated. All relationships go through ups and downs, and some lows are brief while others can last a little while. It doesn’t mean there isn’t love there.
And if your relationship with your parent is – or has been – challenging, know you’re not alone. It’s a rare person who has a perfect relationship with their mum or dad.
Express your love
When we were kids, lots of us told our parents we loved them every day – and heard those words in return. We showed our love with kisses, cuddles and handmade crafts. Yet as adults these feelings can go unacknowledged.
Sometimes you just need to say the words. Telling your parent, “I love you,” is a clear way of expressing appreciation and care – getting back into the habit can help open the floor on a more meaningful stage of your relationship.
For others, we grew up in houses where those words weren’t often heard. If your childhood was one where love was felt but never expressed, you may feel uncomfortable saying it as an adult, and that’s OK. There are other ways of expressing the love between you and your parent, from time spent together, to acts of care, to sharing things you both enjoy. The main thing is that you know what works for you and your family, and say what feels most important to you.
Make the most of it
It’s a hard thing to say, but none of us know how much time we’ll get with any of our loved ones. It’s important not to dwell on this fact or let it dominate your thinking, but sometimes remembering that nothing lasts forever helps me reframe this life-stage in a positive light and make the most of each moment.
