Helping your parent declutter their home

Reviewed by Siân Pelleschi

Helping your parent or elder relative declutter their home can be a delicate and emotionally charged task. For many older adults, possessions accumulated over a lifetime are imbued with memories and a sense of security, especially for those who have experienced times of scarcity.

While decluttering may be practical and necessary, such as when downsizing, it’s important to approach the task with empathy and patience.

Here’s our guide to navigating this process with sensitivity.

Put yourself in their shoes

Older people can sometimes be reluctant and resistant to decluttering. Before you do anything, put yourself in their shoes and think about why decluttering and letting go might be psychologically challenging for them.

Feelings of vulnerability

Being old can make us feel more vulnerable and less in control of our lives, as our physical health declines, our close friends and partners die and we become increasingly dependent on others.

Letting go of belongings can feel like losing part of our identity, and of our world being reduced.  Additionally, the physical and emotional effort required to sort through possessions – particularly if this is due to moving somewhere else or following the death of a partner – can be overwhelming.

Loss aversion

We all have psychological bias called loss aversion – it’s harder to give up something that we already have than it is to think about acquiring something new. While we might be focused on the solution, they are focused on ‘I’m losing my autonomy / the home I’ve had for years’. Loss aversion can make the thought of parting with belongings evoke feelings of anxiety.

Fear of waste

In contrast to today’s throw-away culture, older people grew up in times of scarcity, where objects held more value and it was considered irresponsible to be wasteful. For this generation, having a lot of belongings may represent security and a safeguard against future scarcity.

Perceived value

Certain belongings, even if they no longer serve a purpose, may be associated with cherished memories and hold sentimental importance. Even if they have no value in our eyes, they may be meaningful to them for reasons we don’t know about.

Cognitive challenges

Ageing often brings changes in the brain that can make decision-making and organisational tasks more daunting. Conditions like mild cognitive impairment and dementia further complicate matters, as memory lapses and confusion can make the mere thought of decluttering overwhelming.

Focus on the benefits

Frame the decluttering process in a positive versus negative light, focusing on the benefits that come with decluttering, versus any frustrations you have about the clutter itself. Acknowledge the value they see in these belongings while gently guiding them toward understanding that getting rid of some of them can provide greater value.

Benefits could include:

• Money: Selling unwanted or unused items can generate extra income, which could go towards something meaningful for your parent or relative. Think about what they might like to use the extra money for and focus on this. You can use online auction sites like eBay or The Saleroom to get a rough idea of an item’s value, but keep in mind that actual selling prices can vary. It’s best to stay flexible and open-minded about what the items will ultimately sell for.
• Space: Clearing out unnecessary belongings frees up space. Explore ideas with them about what this extra space could be used for, that they would appreciate or enjoy.
• Charity and community: Donating things to charity or those in need can foster a sense of purpose and community. Research local organisations to find those that align with your parents’ values, which can make the idea of donating more appealing.
• Joy to others: Items that have stood the test of time can find new life and purpose in the hands of others, which can be an eye-opening realisation. Knowing that someone else can continue to appreciate and use their cherished items can offer comfort and a sense of purpose.
• Safety: Reducing clutter minimises tripping hazards and creates a safer living environment, which can help your parent stay independent and have a better quality of life for longer.
• Simplifying maintenance: Reducing the number of items in the home to make cleaning and upkeep more manageable for them.

Set clear goals and start small

Discuss and establish mutual objectives. Having shared, achievable goals prevents feelings of overwhelm and ensures everyone is aligned and committed.  Setting a timeline for each task or area can also help maintain momentum and provide a sense of accomplishment as each goal is met.

For example, you might aim to sort through one closet per day or dedicate 15 minutes each afternoon to organising a specific area.

Begin with less sentimental areas like the laundry room, kitchen or bathroom, where items typically hold less emotional significance. Successfully organising these areas can build momentum and confidence to tackle more challenging spaces.

Sort items methodically

Use a structured approach to simplify decision-making and provide clear options for each item.

Separate items into piles or boxes, and tag furniture with colour-coded stickers or labels per category, as follows:

• Keep
• Undecided
• Get valued / sell
• Donate
• Recycle / Special disposal
• Throw away

Honour memories

Use the process as an opportunity to reminisce and connect over memories and family history.

Encourage your parents to share the stories behind their possessions. This not only preserves family history but also helps in assessing which items are truly meaningful and which can be let go.

If they fear forgetting them, take photos and create an album they can revisit.  This allows the preservation of memories without occupying physical space.

Selling, donating and recycling

There are various options for selling and donating.

Selling

• Auction houses: High value antiques are usually best sold through auction houses.
• eBay: Good quality, lower value items like modern or vintage furniture or rugs can be sold via online platforms like eBay or Facebook Marketplace. If there are a lot of things you want to sell on eBay, but you lack the time or skills, there are eBay selling agents that can help you with this but check the commission they charge on top of the eBay fees.  

Donating

• Charity shops: Lower value items that are in good condition but no longer needed can be donated to local charities, shelters, and community centres. If you have a lot to donate and it’s difficult to take the items to the shops or shelters yourself, some charities can organise to collect. Bear in mind that charity shops won’t take upholstered goods which do not have fire safety labels. Blankets, bedding and towels are usually very welcome at animal shelters and homeless charities.
• Community platforms: Items can also be given away through community-based platforms like Freecycle, Olio and Nextdoor, connecting you with individuals in your area who may find value in your unwanted possessions. They will often come and collect the item from your home.

Recycling

Items that cannot be donated or sold but are hazardous or environmentally harmful, such as electronics, should be recycled as follows.

• Local Recycling Centres: To find your nearest recycling centre in the UK, use the Recycling Locator from Recycle Now. Simply enter your postcode to discover where and how to recycle specific items, either from home or at a local centre.
• Council Waste Collection: Contact your local council to arrange waste collection services. Many councils offer scheduled collections for bulky or hazardous items. Details can be found on your council’s website or through the GOV.UK portal.

Get someone independent to help

If the scale of clutter is overwhelming, such as in cases of hoarding – or when time constraints and potential conflicts arise – there are independent professionals and companies in the UK like Blue Door Bespoke who offer comprehensive decluttering and home re-organisation services that can help.

This can be a good way to alleviate pressure and provide neutral assistance, making the process smoother and more efficient.

You can find professional organisers and declutters through the Association of Professional Declutterers and Organisers (APDO) using their Find an Organiser directory, which allows searches by postcode, individual or company name, or particular specialisms.

Show patience and understanding

Decluttering should be viewed as a process, especially when it involves items held dear for many years.

• Approach each conversation with respect, acknowledging your parents’ feelings and perspectives.
• Listen actively, validate their emotions, and avoid rushing them.
• Don’t expect them to let go all at once. Sometimes, even letting go of just one item is a significant step.
• Respect their decisions. While you can offer guidance, it’s crucial to let your parents make the final decisions about their belongings to preserve their autonomy and dignity.

In summary

Remember, decluttering is a sensitive process that takes time and patience. Think about and acknowledge the physical and emotional challenges decluttering can have for an older person when you approach your parents about it, and focus on the benefits that will resonate with them.

As they start to see the benefits – more space, the satisfaction of helping others, or even some financial return – the process may become easier. Patience is key, and the rewards are worth the wait.

Common questions

How do I approach the topic of decluttering without upsetting my parents?

• First, put yourself in their shoes and think about why decluttering might upset them. Show understanding and frame the decluttering positively, focusing on benefits that would resonate with them. Suggest starting in less sentimental areas like the laundry room. Most importantly, listen to their concerns and respect their pace.

What if my parents are resistant to decluttering?

• Resistance is normal! It’s important to be patient and not force the process. Suggest starting with a small area or sorting items that are broken or no longer used. If resistance persists, consider bringing in a neutral third party to mediate.