Reviewed by Helen Davies Parsons
Moving into a care home is a big life change, both for your parent and for you as a family member. This change can bring about a mix of emotions – relief, guilt, anxiety are common.
It may take a while for your parent to get comfortable in their new environment, but there are several ways you can minimise distress and make the transition easier.
Put yourself in their shoes
Some people don’t have the luxury of making the choice when moving into a care home. It’s taken out of their hands because of their needs, or their family’s needs. Others make the choice, but are still apprehensive about the newness of it all, and of not knowing anybody.
It’s HARD. Imagine going from the house or flat you’ve lived in for years, in an area and community you know, to living with twenty or more strangers in a communal space. How would you feel if you were about to leave your home to never return? In cases of dementia, add to that the layer of not fully understanding why a move has to happen. It is a complete upheaval of your life. They will be very nervous, whether or not they made the choice themselves.
Visit prior to move
If possible, go to the home with your parent. Most good homes will invite you to have lunch or at least a cup of tea. This will give your loved one the opportunity of meeting the staff team and viewing the home and their room.
If they cannot visit, take the brochure with you and lots of photographs from your visit so they can at least get a feel for where they are going.
Someone from the home should also have met with your loved one to undertake a pre-admission assessment. This will also help them when they first move in as they will at least see a familiar face.
Preparing well for moving day
In the time leading up to the move-in day, speak to the care home staff to understand how to facilitate the move and what personal items your parent can bring.
Packing for the move: Bring as much as you can so your parent can feel like they are home. Ideally, if the care home allows, move some of their stuff into their care home beforehand so the room is ready and welcoming when they arrive.
Things to consider when packing:
- Familiar belongings such as photographs, memorabilia, bedding, or a favourite armchair
- Toiletries
- Calendar or whiteboard planner
- Slippers
- Dressing gown
- Nightclothes and underwear
- Usual day wear and shoes
It’s a good idea to put labels on their clothes to avoid them getting lost in laundry.
Paperwork: Make sure all the paperwork and care home forms are completed in advance if you can, so the move day is as relaxed and informal as possible.
Timing: If possible, plan the admission for a day and time that will make the move less stressful. The care home may be able to advise on this.
Transport: Arrange comfortable and familiar transportation to help ease the transition.
Communicating the move to your parent
If your parent has been involved in the decision to move into a care home, communicating the move is not so complicated.
However, if your parent hasn’t been involved, or gets confused – such as in cases of dementia – think carefully about how you talk about the move with them.
How you decide on and communicate the move will depend a lot on whether they have ‘mental capacity’ (the ability to make decisions for themselves), or not. Every situation is different, and every person is different, so it’s a good idea to speak with their healthcare team or to call and speak to an Admiral Nurse at Dementia UK for personalised advice.
On move-in day, stay calm and offer them reassurance. When it’s time to say goodbye, keep it brief and positive, assuring them of your continued visits and support.
Personalise their new space
Make sure you allow plenty of time on move-in day to unpack and create a familiar environment in their room before you leave.
As well as family photos, personal linens, and favourite decorations, consider adding a vase of their favourite fresh flowers and perhaps a room diffuser or similar with a calming or fresh scent. Just be mindful that some diffusers may pose a risk if the person has dementia and might mistake the liquid for something drinkable, so check these are permitted first.
Help them get their bearings
A new place with new faces and new routines can be hard to navigate and overwhelming at first.
Take the time at the beginning to help your parent get to know their new environment by spending time accompanying them around the home and meeting people.
Help them make connections
Care homes usually have a roster of group activities. Find out what activities are happening and select ones your parent might enjoy. Equally, let the care home staff know which ones they wouldn’t enjoy!
Join communal meals or group activities and initiate conversations to help them build friendships and integrate into the community.
Ask the care staff about the other residents and which ones might share things in common with your parent.
Build relationships with care home staff
Building a positive relationship with the care home staff is absolutely crucial.
Most good care homes will have a Key Worker system whereby a named person is allocated to your loved one. Make sure that you and your loved one know who this is.
Take the time to get to know the staff and treat them kindly. Care staff are usually under a lot of pressure as caring is a tough job and under-staffing is common. It never hurts to reward them from time to time with personalised thank-you notes and small gifts.
Communicate regularly but don’t micromanage. Regular communication helps build trust and ensures that any concerns (from you or the care staff) are promptly addressed.
Help staff understand your parent
Let staff know your parent’s preferences, routines, dietary needs and history to help them provide personalised care and avoid upsetting or confusing your parent. This should be mostly covered before admission but a list of what they like and dislike, along with a life history is very helpful.
For example:
- What’s their preferred name?
- What are their likes and dislikes?
- What was their previous occupation?
- How do they like to socialise?
- What does a good day look like for them vs a bad day?
- What are some of the challenges in their care and how do you usually support these?
Notify important contacts
Once your parent has settled into their home, it’s a good idea to send a group email to their friends and extended family to update them on your parent’s new address, contact information, health situation and visiting hours.
In the email, encourage them to visit and reach out directly to your parent (or to care home staff if direct communication isn’t possible due to health reasons). This way you can help them maintain their social connections while reducing the communication burden on you.
You can also share tips and ideas for suitable gifts and activities people can do when they visit that your parent might enjoy and can still manage, such as going for a drive or listening to music.
Stay connected
Staying connected with family is crucial for your parent’s emotional health.
If possible, consider setting up and using video calling devices in their room, to facilitate regular face-to-face interactions.
If verbal communication or using technology is challenging, consider sending letters and cards which can be read out to your parent by the care home staff or by other visitors, and displayed in their room as a reminder that loved ones are thinking of them.
Coordinate a visiting schedule among family and friends to ensure consistent and meaningful visits.
Focus on the positives
Remember – the care staff are there to help and their job is to empower your parent to live their lives as easily and comfortably as possible. Coming into a care home is not an end of life, it’s change.
Often, someone’s condition can improve when they move into care. It might be challenging to start with, and it might take a couple of weeks or a month, but usually people become accustomed to their new routine. It can be reassuring for them (and you!) to know there is someone there all the time to help them if they need, to talk to and to do activities with. Life in a care home is simpler and more attuned to their needs.
Dealing with guilt and shame
It’s natural to experience feelings of guilt or doubt during this period. Remember that choosing a care home is often in the best interest of your parent’s health and well-being.
Most of the time it is absolutely necessary for their safety and security, for staying on top of their medication schedules, for social connection and for 24-hour supervision. If you have moved them into care for answers to these problems, you are a good carer and doing the right thing.
If in doubt, find a support group to alleviate the guilt and connect with people who have been where you are, and can help.
In summary
Settling your parent into a care home can be uncomfortable and takes time. When they move, they can feel agitated, frustrated or upset. Empathise with your parent’s feelings during this transition and expect a period of adjustment.
Regular visits, thoughtful gifts, and active listening can provide reassurance. Once they are settled, you will be able to take a breath, relax and hopefully not have to worry so much anymore. It can be a relief for everyone, including your parent.
Common questions
How do I ensure my parent receives personalised care?
- To ensure your parent receives care tailored to their individual needs, provide the care home staff with a comprehensive picture of who they are. Share essential details such as their preferred name, daily routines, dietary requirements, hobbies, and life history. This information helps the team design a care approach that respects your parent’s personality and promotes their comfort and well-being.
The home should also offer regular reviews to ensure that your loved one’s needs and wants are being met. If not offered, you should ask them for one at a mutually convenient time.
How can I stay connected with my parent after the move?
- Staying connected after the move is key to your parent’s emotional health. Begin by discussing with the care home staff the best ways to maintain regular contact, such as establishing a consistent visiting schedule. In addition, consider arranging for a video calling device in your parent’s room to facilitate face-to-face interactions with friends and family. Supplement these interactions with thoughtful gestures like sending letters, small gifts, or personalised photo cards to remind your parent that they are loved and valued.
What should I do if my parent has difficulty adjusting to the care home?
- It’s normal for your parent to need some time to settle in, but if they continue to struggle despite your support, it’s important to act promptly. Begin by reporting any concerns to the care home staff right away so they can respond quickly and appropriately. Have a candid discussion with both your parent and the care home staff to pinpoint the specific challenges they’re experiencing. This conversation may reveal concerns such as the need for a medication review, adjustments to daily routines or visiting schedules, or even a need for more tailored social or therapeutic activities. In some cases, if the environment doesn’t seem to be the right fit, it may be worth exploring alternative care options. The key is to work collaboratively with the care team to develop a plan that best supports your parent’s well-being.
