Reviewed by Zoë Sanders
It might feel awkward talking to your parents about their plans for later life. It can be hard to even think about them getting older – for them and for you.
Perhaps you are unsure how to broach the subject or worry they won’t react well. They might feel uncomfortable discussing it, especially if they associate it with loss of control or independence.
Sound familiar?
These feelings are normal and make it all too easy to avoid the conversation. But not talking to your parents about it, won’t make the future any easier. It will most likely make it harder.
Here are eight ‘Eldering’ tips to get you started.
Find the right moment
The longer you leave it, the harder it is likely to get – so it’s a good idea to start getting used to having these difficult conversations, sooner rather than later.
You know your parents better than anyone. They may be fine with you raising the subject at an opportune moment. However, if you think they could feel blindsided, it’s a good idea to prepare them – even with a gentle heads-up that there’s something you want to discuss.
Find the right place
If possible, these conversations are best had in-person. Choose somewhere private and calm, without the distractions of children or pets. Find an environment that is relaxed and allows for thoughtful discussion.
Conversations over dinner or when there’s a lot going on are best avoided, as they can become rushed or emotionally charged.
It might go without saying, but avoid having this chat when alcohol is involved as emotions can easily escalate!
Include your siblings or another family member
If you have siblings, it’s a good idea to include them in the conversation. This ensures no one feels left out and establishes from the get-go that supporting your parents in later life is not just your responsibility.
If you are an only child or your siblings are unable or unwilling, it might be useful to involve another family member or friend. Whoever you take for moral support, make sure it is someone everyone feels comfortable with and discuss what you want to say beforehand so you are on the same page.
Try to avoid creating a scenario where your parents feel ‘ganged up on’, which can lead to defensiveness and misunderstandings.
Frame it as helping them achieve their wishes
Let your parents know that your goal is to find out what they want and how you can help them carry out their wishes.
Reassure them that you’re not looking to control their future or influence their decisions, but want to ensure everything is in order and happens according to their preferences.
Approach the conversation with empathy
Try to put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel to be the recipient of a conversation like this from one of your children or relatives in 30 or 40 years’ time?
What would it be like to be told it’s time to stop doing something you enjoy or move out of a home you have cherished for decades, where your memories were built?
Demonstrating your empathy and understanding will encourage your parents to share their genuine thoughts and feelings more openly.
Listen actively
Go into the conversation prepared to do a lot more listening than talking. Don’t fly in with your own viewpoint and solutions.
Remember, they are likely to have already considered some of the issues you’re concerned about and might even have solutions you have not thought of.
Ask open-ended questions and give your parents space to express their thoughts and concerns.
This will help you better understand their perspective and they will feel heard, respected and supported.
Take it one step at a time
Don’t think of this as a one-time, marathon discussion. You don’t have to cover every detail and you’re unlikely to figure everything out in one talk.
It’s just a chance to begin normalising talking about this difficult subject, share your observations and concerns, and invite some brainstorming.
Start with one aspect, such as their living arrangements or preferences for care. Keep it small and manageable to make the process less overwhelming for everyone involved.
Allow time for reflection but maintain momentum
Make it clear to your parents that you’d like to revisit the topic periodically, and then plan for the next step by setting a timeline for a goal or action to complete. It could be something simple like scheduling an appointment with a financial advisor or researching living options.
This approach allows for a more relaxed exchange of ideas and provides your parents with the time and space to process and reflect on what you’ve talked about. This way they can make decisions without feeling pressured.
In summary
Starting the conversation about later life planning can feel really uncomfortable, but don’t put it off.
It is better to have these conversations in a calm way, while your parents are mentally and physically able. This avoids having sensitive conversations or trying to reach vital decisions under time pressures or in an emergency situation.
Approach the discussion with patience, empathy, and a commitment to keeping the lines of communication open.
Common questions
- How do I start the conversation if my parents avoid the topic?
You might start by acknowledging the sensitive nature of the topic with something like, “I’ve been reluctant to bring this up as it’s not be the easiest topic to talk about, but I think it’s important for us to have a conversation about planning and preparing for the future. I want to make sure we know what you want for yourself and how we can best support you if anything changes”.
Start by focusing on your desire to help them, rather than making it about what they need to change or your concerns about the impact of their later life choices on you.
- What if my siblings disagree about the best plan?
Family disagreements are normal when discussing subjects that are emotionally and logistically high stakes. The key is open communication. Try to involve everyone in the conversation early on, so that no one feels left out and everyone is accountable. If disagreements persist, consider bringing in a neutral third party to help guide the discussion, such as mediator or financial planner.
- My parents are healthy right now, so is this conversation really necessary?
Yes! The best time to have this conversation is when your parents are healthy and there’s no pressure from an urgent health or financial issue. Planning ahead gives everyone time to think clearly and make decisions without the added stress of a crisis.
- What if my parents refuse to talk about it?
If your parents aren’t ready to have the conversation, don’t push too hard.
Let them know that you’ll be there when they are ready and bring it up again. In the meantime, gather information and educate yourself so you can be prepared when the time comes.
