Matthew Hutton has had a rare vantage point on what it means to prepare well for later life — both spiritually and practically.
The author of Your Last Gift – Getting Your Affairs in Order, he draws on more than 35 years as a private client solicitor and tax and trusts lawyer, followed by 11 years as an ordained Church of England minister.
We spoke with Matthew about the challenges families face when elder relatives don’t get their affairs in order, why we so often shy away from preparation, and what it means to prepare wisely.
Here’s what he had to say.
People can be easily blindsided when someone dies
“Anybody who has lost someone close – especially for the first time – can be easily pole-axed by the sheer amount of practical “stuff” that has to be done after a death.
First there are calls to friends, family and professionals, and funerals to arrange with receptions afterwards. Then there’s the Will to locate and implement (or worse, the realisation there isn’t one), possessions to sort, debts to settle, homes to sort and perhaps clear, and layers of officialdom, including HMRC. Not to mention a mass of other things, include digital accounts to access and passwords to be found.
Families often struggle when there’s been no preparation, no conversations, or no clear documentation. The volume of tasks and decisions comes as a huge and unwelcome surprise, and can be overwhelming, especially while grieving. Grief should be a time to weep, remember and reflect – but it’s hard to process grief when you’re buried under administration.”
Nearly three in five adults in the UK have no Will
“A few people are really well organised when it comes to end-of-life discussions and paperwork, but mostly people aren’t. Nearly three fifths of adults in the UK have no Will, and many more have never discussed their wishes with family or prepared in other ways. People don’t realise that even the most straightforward estates can spiral into stress if there’s uncertainty or conflict. I’ve seen family members clash over what the deceased would have wanted, or who is responsible for what.
Some people just don’t think about it or want to confront it, for others life just gets in the way, but many simply don’t know what to do or where to start.
While there are plenty of books and guides on coping with bereavement and dealing with grief, I couldn’t see anything on organising your affairs for the end of life. That’s one of the reasons I wrote Your Last Gift.”
Avoidance can cause irreparable damage
“The impact of not preparing for end of life reaches far beyond the administrative struggle that follows a death. It can lead to disputes over money and possessions, misunderstandings about wishes, and missed opportunities for reconciliation.
Emotional damage is often the hardest to repair. Family rifts, guilt, and regret can linger long after the practical matters of dying and death are resolved.
On the practical side, lack of planning can mean that more money goes to HMRC than necessary — funds that could have supported the people or causes you care about most.”
Fear of the unknown stops us confronting death
“A huge part of why so many people avoid preparing for the end of life comes down to fear — fear of the unknown and fear of uncertainty.
For many, even thinking about death feels deeply uncomfortable. Add in family dynamics, differing beliefs, or unspoken tensions, and it’s easy to see why these conversations rarely happen.
Most of us prefer to stay focused on the here and now.
We’re not all Bear Grylls types, eager to face the wild and unpredictable. Most of us seek comfort and familiarity. We don’t want to look too closely at what lies ahead or risk disturbing what feels stable.
The unknown is unsettling, and the loss of control that comes with decline or death is something many would rather not contemplate. We prefer to imagine a peaceful ending – dying in our sleep at a ripe old age. Death isn’t an easy topic of conversation, and instinctively, we turn away from pain.”
Modern culture reinforces avoidance
“Reinforcing avoidance is the fact that we live in a culture that tends to avoid discussing death and ageing realistically and openly.
Ours is a terribly materialistic society and a lot of life is sanitised. There’s a strong focus on youth, independence, and control, which can make it harder to accept and plan for the inevitabilities of ageing and mortality.
At the same time, our lives have become absurdly busy, with a tyranny of emails hitting our inboxes.
Life has become more about ‘doing’ than ‘being’ and it weighs us down, to the point where there’s rarely space to think deeply about life — or its inevitable end.”
Attitudes to death and dying are starting to shift
“Encouragingly, I have noticed a small but growing movement to normalise dying and promote the idea of “growing old wisely”. Sites like Eldering, and voices such as Kathryn Mannix, a palliative care doctor and author, are helping to move the conversation forward.
I sense there’s more realism emerging. We’re beginning to talk more openly, to share stories about dying, and to recognise that planning ahead is not grim – it’s sensible and caring.
That said, I have also noticed that people are increasingly having a family-only funeral service, followed later by a thanksgiving or memorial. While understandable, I think this can add to our distancing from the reality of death. There’s something important about being physically present, about seeing the coffin. A funeral reminds us not only of the person we’ve lost, but of our own mortality – and the time we still have left.”
Relationships are the key priority
“For years my top three essentials for getting your affairs in order were practical – a Will, Lasting Powers of Attorney, and funeral arrangements. But more recently, I’ve realised that sorting relationships needs to come first.
Too often I come across cases where there has been a breakdown in relationships between family members or close friends, very often surfacing on a deathbed. It may result from something said or unsaid, something done or not done, maybe many years before and maybe stemming from something really quite small which has simply been allowed to fester away.
The little word ‘sorry’ is both the easiest word and the most difficult word in the English language to utter. But it can make all the difference. The apology must of course be unqualified and genuine (‘I’m sorry if I have offended you’ simply won’t do). Forgiveness, whether given or received, is one of the most powerful things in life. It makes everything else easier – from practical arrangements to emotional readiness. All that said, I do accept that there will sadly be some cases where reconciliation just isn’t possible.”
You’ve got to talk
“Planning should start – and end – with conversations. Conversations are terribly important, as well as relationships and putting things in writing.
It only takes one member of the family to get things moving. Often, it’s the younger generation that breaks the silence, saying, Mum, Dad – let’s talk about this.
If you’re the one starting the conversation, start small, and start with relationships first. Ask about regrets, unresolved tensions, and wishes for the future.
It’s important to be gentle and respectful. Some things -for all of us – are very private, so you’ve got to be sensitive and do the best you can. It is difficult – but just because something is difficult doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to do something about it. It’s not about control or fear – it’s about love. It’s about showing you care, wanting to help, and being intentional – working as a close, not a closed, family. Open conversations like these can actually bring families closer.
It’s also important to put things in writing once decisions have been made and tell those involved — attorneys, executors, and family members.
And do set down what you would like in the way of a funeral: burial or cremation, where, who should be involved and so on, accepting always that some of the details may have to be tweaked when the time comes. And indeed talk to your family about it. In my experience of taking funerals, the fact that the one who has gone set out their wishes in advance makes so much difference and can relieve a lot of stress.”
Leaving a legacy means living and loving well
“We need to talk about death, and about what it means to have a good death. None of us knows how we will go, but we can think about how we want to live until that time comes, and what impression we want to leave behind.
Legacy isn’t just about what you leave in your Will – it’s about the memories you’ve created, the kindness you’ve shown, and the influence you’ve had on others’ lives.
At a drinks party, the first question is often, “What do you do?” But really, what matters is who you are. Work out what makes you tick and be content with yourself, rather than striving to be someone else. Don’t envy others — the grass isn’t always greener. As a too occasional fisherman, I might wish I could cast a fly as well as someone else, but that’s not the point. Life is short. It’s not about the grades you got or the prizes you won; it’s about who you are as a person.
And really, it all comes back to love and being around people you love. Express love openly – and extend it beyond family to friends. If words are hard, write a letter. Leave something to be read after you’ve gone. Don’t leave the important things unsaid.”
Matthew Hutton’s book, Your Last Gift – Getting Your Affairs in Order, is a practical, step-by-step guide to help organise your paperwork and leave clear information for your loved ones in the event of death. It’s available in hardback and digital format via www.yourlastgiftbook.com.
